Way Too Faded (WTF)

Walking, walking on my hands. Hands that stare and breathe and make love. Walking on top of faded clouds of green and brown, upside down. Colour me special. Look at my face, how my hands creep, how my eyes weep for themselves like what they see is the saddest thing. Looking down from the middle of the sky. Not too high. But faded enough to think about myself and how my wealth is in my interactions with the ground. Walk me to the door please. Get in touch with me when you're done. Walk out and never come back until you do, but never warn me. Warm me. I'm so cold in this freezing room with the windows wide shut. Make sense to me. Make me a legend. I will take you and make you faded. My hands walk off the edge of fhe world and lead my body back down to the ground. But my mind is the last one to get there. Always somewhere else when it's needed, no regrets or thinking. Just. Faded.

Sugar Cane Season

My Sugar Cane.
You, naturally sweet
But your tough outer shell scares me.
It reminds me of bleeding mouths screaming for more
More
Biting and scratching and peeling away at the hardness.
It hurts.
But it's so easy to get lost in the sweet familiarity of a cocktail of pain and pleasure.
A picture of cracked lips
Gums torn to shreds and teeth crooked
Gaping cavities fit for royalty
A tooth with a holy crown.
Slippery snake tongue forever the truthful jester
Lapping up the sweet juices of your innermost inner.
Sugar cane season.

I Wish

I wish I looked like you. I wish I spoke like you. Had confidence like you, had success like you. I wish I had love like you. I wish I had hope like you. I wish I knew where I was going like you. You are what I wish I was like. But I wish you were curious like me. I wish you felt, like me. I wish you loved like me, I wish you would take breaks like me. I wish you saw the beauty in everyone like me. I wish you enjoyed seeing people smile like me. I wish you would hurt like me. So you could understand why I feel like being me isn't enough, but I'd never have it any other way.

We Ran

We ran. Hand in hand to the end of the stars. Blind deaf and dumb to everything, eyes bright and hearts open. We ran, never turning away from what lay before us, galaxies in our eyes, mouths open, sucking in the starlight. We ran hard, we ran far, barefoot moonwalking. Hope hopping, heart pounding, toothless smile, swallowing up the mortals' universe. Taking in everything. Feeling with numb pores and false extremities. We ran. We ran so far we forgot where we started, Caroline. We ran so hard we forgot about time. Our time. We put our fate in time's hands and we got the starry eyed love we wanted. The yellow dress, blue shorts, white t-shirt love that we dreamed about together by ourselves. And we never wanted the dream to fade so, we ran, Caroline. We signed the deed without a thought. Hollow framed, skin and bones us. You held my hand and we jumped from the precipice of reality. Our past leaving, seeping through our pores. We might have stopped at the bottom when we caught our balance, but, we couldn't. Your hand felt so perfect in mine, and we ran. Away from the blurry mess behind us. The stars lay before us, and we didn't stop. We ran. Into space, our own reality of stars and planets and galaxies that were smaller. Smaller than you and I. We were bigger than the universe, bigger than everything. But then time, Caroline. We went so far we ended up at the beginning of the end. And we had to let go. We had to part ways. I'm sorry I'm only writing you now. You mean the world to me but, I felt the way we left it was for the best. Still starry eyed, still hearts pounding, mouths gaping galaxies, blind deaf and dumb to the world. Your yellow dress turned to black and gold as you turned away from me for the last time. A tear of moonlight ran down my cheek as I reminded myself that I loved you, and turned my back to go my own way as well.

I Don't Want To Remember

Stained blood red pieces of my soul left off the floor. The grass outside tickles my toes. My mind hurts from the outside in, my insides trying to get out, I... Send them the wrong way... Into the blood and emptiness that took so much away from me. It's hard to see, but soft to feel, the warm wet slippery remains of what was and shouldn't have been. Strands of my hair stuck between her teeth as she moves from between my legs. I have no regrets, but I loathe the pain that takes its place. Sip sip swallow. Make me come, beat my heart like a drum and break it. It's not that hard to fake it, I am, will, won't, be satisfied by my drunk pride or... Just drunk. Falling over, heading over, head over heels and... Its over. I didn't want it to end, but now I don't want to remember my member in her(breathe). I pulled off and tied up that soggy pup and sent it to the trash. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't face the truth that was Ruth... No... What was her name again? I don't want to remember... I'd run away if I could but I'd want to come back. I mean return, of course. The intercourse was... not that great, on to dessert full of hurt and shut the fuck up you fuck up or I'll fuck you up the ass with this tall glass of whatever I want you to drink today because tomorrow, I don't want to remember. But im stuck in this loop of blood bean soup and vaginal goop. It left a weird smell on me that I can't seem to shake off. I shake off the excess; shake off the post-sex. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, just a long day" I don't know what to say. Its murderous this, bliss that I'll always never miss. And, I don't want to remember. I would look her in the eye, but I've seen deeper into her and the surface is different. I can't put my finger on it but... Shit, too late...

I Was A Mountain

I was a rock. I was a strong mountain holding up the world. I was immense, and strong willed and powerful. But the rain. The rain came and whittled me down to nothing but fine dust, finer than the softest touch. Then I became the breeze. I was the breeze blowing from North to East to South to West. I was strong, I was forceful, and my fury was like a thousand thousand hurricanes beating a drum. But the gale would eventually settle, and i became the sand. I would soak up the sun as the tide washed up against me, polishing me and making me smooth. I was as clear as glass, but as coarse as a cat's tongue. I lay on the shore staring at the sun when the oceans rose and took me away to be with the fish and the terrors of the deep. And I almost became a pearl, but the oysters didn't know my story and didn't want to. The story of how I had come from a mountain. And I would swim, up and down the currents, moving with the midnight blue depths of the ocean threatening to hide me from the light forever. But the sun remembered me and took me up to be close to the bosom of it's warming rays. And I was the cloud. I floated for an eternity that seemed to short as I kissed each ray of the sun as it came down from its celestial perch. I would greet it's radiant warmth with the embrace of a long lost friend reunited. And then I was the raindrop. I was racing faster than I ever had. Down, down, ever downwards. The world flew by me, curving along it's spiny horizon as Ispun. I was falling. Falling from unknown heights and crashing. Falling apart. Wet. But breathing new life and new possibilities into the world. And I was happy, because I kissed a mountain and told it my story.

Shinigami

Lay me down to sleep. Please, lay me down. Hold me down. Down deeper than sleep wider than awake, tears fall from my face. I'm paralysed by what you are. A parasite in my mind, the tingles down my spine are all you and what you do. I only wanted to be loved but you gave me hatred instead, as soon as I tasted heaven your demons pulled me back down to earth where I could never be safe, not even in my wildest dreams. I can't tell them apart from my nightmares anymore. You're always there holding my wrist with your Edward Scissorhands grip waiting for me to slip so you can hold me tighter as you try and pull me up. It's always the same pain. Dull, and faint at first, but then it rushes out of me like a torrent and I have to stop and let all the pain out. And you will always wait patiently for me, almost obediently like a devil-sent guardian angel. Like a giant scarecrow towering over my field of sorrow scaring off all thoughts of happiness. But how can I not love you? You are as much part of me now as my own skin, dark and scarred as it is. There's a warm familiarity to you that draws me in like a moth to a flame. It's a love that I know is meant to be reserved for myself but somehow belongs to you, nursing you to health through my happiness. And I will always feel your return. Bold and strong. And you'll whisper to my heart and my head about the sweet emptiness that lies inside of me. It hurts every time you tell me. But I'll let you stay a while longer. Because I know if you leave, you will leave me strong or you'll leave me dead. And the truth is, I'm never sure one which I prefer.

Untitled 2

I lowkey want to send you a text. Is that too much? Is it too soon for me to want to wish that you weren't so distant? You aren't even close to being close to me. You're a myth to my body but you're the truth to my mind. You. are. amazing. But I can't compare. Me with all my flaws and my hatred and my anger for things so small that their insignificance is insignificant. If only I had the time, the patience, the courage to tell you that I think you're beautiful. Not like that guy who would tell you that for free at the supermarket, but from deep down. From a place that has know love and hate before and has been torn to pieces and rebuilt. I don't think I'll see clearly until this glass goes away from between us keeping us separated from one another. But have we ever been together you and I? We've spent time and wasted time and made time, but we've never... never really had time, have we? I suppose that's how it goes though. And I doubt you'll ever figure out that these words are meant for you. This is something I rarely do, because I barely ever feel like anyone needs that much of me to commit to this soul baring. But this is yours, here's to you. Oh the places you'll go.

Aurum

All these voices in my head, please stop them with your you. Tell them to cease existing one by one and convince them they aren't real. You are the only one who can save me; you put me into this cage with all my demons. You left me unintentionally, but with your own determination to be clean good and golden. The golden girl with the golden hair, skin so fair, make up a story about how you're there but really you're an apparition just like I am. A fake figment of whatever imagination conjured you and I up, and we imagined that we'd be fine. But clearly I'm falling apart with all the purpose of a thousand pages of Okonkwo, don't get me wrong. I love you just like you say you love me but it hurts when the darkness closes in and the short fuse on candle-boom-stick doesn't keep it away for all that long. What use is a light if it only lasts as long as the attention span of a gold fish, golden hair, goldilocks, she locks away her heart and hides it from me with hugs and kisses and misses and emptiness that fills emptiness. Forgive me for trying not to cry at this sad scene, that the reflection of my existence as told by gingerly stepping around the looking glass through which I saw what I wanted to see. And again, I'm sorry. But I have to do me.

Uncreated World: Home

I could write a novel on the smells of home. My city town is warm, warmer than the sun, the sum of the warmth of its parts like no other. I could write a symphony on the sounds that it makes as it breathes in life and exhales slowly, holding on to each breath as long as it can. I can feel it moving beneath me, around me, inside me. This pride, this loathing, this love i have for my home. But, my eyes are still clouded by youth and inexperience and margins and percentages and statistics that make me a part of this, a part of that. I welcome the warmth of winter like it was summer's sweet kiss. And oh, how i have enjoyed my summers. I could write endless poems about how my summers are filled with love and  beauty and longing. I wish I could show the world my home and see how proud I am of where I am from. But, there is always this loathing. I cannot release it from my heart for the love I have is the other side of my hatred. This is my home, but, I do not feel at home, I know not what the feeling of home is. I've tried to write prescriptions on how to feel at home, what medicinal route to take, what dosage I should take the sights in. But, my home is not mine to love. It was created by people who know nothing about me who I know nothing about. I can't make myself leave because this is the only thing like home I've ever known. But I do want to be free, outside where they sell 5 emalangeni umbila on the street. But I'll never fit in. Because my tongue does not roll the same way and my tone does not tone the same way. I am an outcast and a statistic. A percentage on a paper that more than 13% of the people of this country cannot read. Don't forgive me, for I have done nothing wrong, but let me be in peace and let me stay without quarrel. Because my home is mine. And nobody can take it from the depths of my heart.

Two Sides of Me

Two sides of me

I love, I live. I live to love. To see the new day, to feel the sun, to run to laugh to write to sing...

To hate the truth, to hate the world, to not care, to not want to live, to hate loving, to want pain, to search for disappointment...

To smile, to learn, to experience, to feel, to exist, to know, to see, to think free...

Her, all of them, not what I want. Feelings. Emotion. Stupidity. Love. Loneliness. Dissatisfaction. Myself...

Poetry. Expression. Travel. Freedom. Peace. To be heard. To be accepted.

A Dream

I sit on the edge, and you sit next to me. Your hand feels cold and shivers blue light bouncing off the hard rock cliff. Our feet dangle into the nothingness and down below we can see the crisp shape of the moon laid out in pure silver and grey set in a deep dark sky. Lie back and take in the stars, hold your breath and count the moments that the earth steals away your thoughts. We could scream to the world and the world wouldn't hear us. We are free, unbound by lines and fences and gates and restriction. Free to be who we are and to be one with nature and nature. The blue moonlight only shows silhouettes, empty outlines without heart and soul. But I can still feel the warmth of yours and mine and we fight to keep this time of control over ourselves. We found the perfect place to dream, on the edge of our world.

Hologram

Am I a hologram. Take thoughts and make sense of what you feel is easy but is so hard for me. Don't be that way, take me away, I want to live not jut exist. Keep my money, take it like you already have . Handcuff my fingers to my back pocket and take the dreams and hopes and goals from my already empty wallet. Walk me through walls and look right through me. I'm right in front of you, but nothing is really there. Am I a hologram that has a hollow beating heart and a pulse and lungs that are slowly dying from smoke? Can I be a hologram. It would be simpler to be hollow and not feel this. What is this ache. It's neither good nor bad, it's just not what I want to feel. I want my emotions to change like the seasons and my oh my if they could. I could do whatever they want me to. Because they control me, with their money and their qualifications and their fake niceness reality bullshit. Fuck this life that I'm living, it's not mine anymore and I don't want to lose any more of myself. But, this place has turned me into a hologram. A false representation of who I was. And there's no way to make matter out of nothing. And as soon as I step away from the source, I'm gone forever. Just a few centimetres to the edge and it could be over, but... to be continued...

Untitled 1

Lie on your back and push the weight of the world off your mind. Take the air you breathe and turn it into dust that will cloud your vision. See nothing, speak nothing. Only do as you need to. You are blind to the world and the world is blind to you, but, the world was built on layers of your skin. Peeled and drowned and beaten and shot to make metropolises and towers of ivory and gold. Sweat out the hatred. Breathe it back in. Exhale dust, and again make the world move. Shake it to its foundations and rattle its suburban windows. No fence can keep out the light absorbed by your skin, and no walls can stop the world hearing your cries. You were made to be seen in the light, not hidden by the shadows. You are thick skinned heavy boned beauty commanding every gaze. Pushing back the walls that you were born into and lifting up the world with your strength. Have pride, have shame, have blame, have love, have passion, have emotion and talent and greed and reckelss abandon. Take the whip and crack it over your head with a flick of the wrist. Send sparks flying like fireworks to the sky and beyond. Let the universe know that you were never born to be tame.