Shinigami

Lay me down to sleep. Please, lay me down. Hold me down. Down deeper than sleep wider than awake, tears fall from my face. I'm paralysed by what you are. A parasite in my mind, the tingles down my spine are all you and what you do. I only wanted to be loved but you gave me hatred instead, as soon as I tasted heaven your demons pulled me back down to earth where I could never be safe, not even in my wildest dreams. I can't tell them apart from my nightmares anymore. You're always there holding my wrist with your Edward Scissorhands grip waiting for me to slip so you can hold me tighter as you try and pull me up. It's always the same pain. Dull, and faint at first, but then it rushes out of me like a torrent and I have to stop and let all the pain out. And you will always wait patiently for me, almost obediently like a devil-sent guardian angel. Like a giant scarecrow towering over my field of sorrow scaring off all thoughts of happiness. But how can I not love you? You are as much part of me now as my own skin, dark and scarred as it is. There's a warm familiarity to you that draws me in like a moth to a flame. It's a love that I know is meant to be reserved for myself but somehow belongs to you, nursing you to health through my happiness. And I will always feel your return. Bold and strong. And you'll whisper to my heart and my head about the sweet emptiness that lies inside of me. It hurts every time you tell me. But I'll let you stay a while longer. Because I know if you leave, you will leave me strong or you'll leave me dead. And the truth is, I'm never sure one which I prefer.

The Fiery Mouth of My Struggling Soul

First post of the new year! Woo! Excitement! Yeah, so this year has already been a rollercoaster of everythings in my strange little world. I'm slowly starting to piece things together but there's always something that's holding me back I feel. And it's something so big that I can't really go around it. Alas, my life has never been ao simple from an emotional perspective and I can already see that this year is going to be a tough one. Shout out to all the people who still look out for me. Even implicitly. I can feel your thoughts and prayers from all sides and warmth that you send. It helps, trust me. I would not even be able to wake up every day if I couldn't feel any sort of love and appreciation from people. So to those who care, thank you. For those who dont, thank you as well. It's very confusing for me to say this, but I feel like not caring too. And it's not for fun either. I just... It's been a crazy first week and a bit. I promised some people something from, and I quote myself saying this, "the fiery mouth of my struggling soul". Sounds about right. The following piece is neither here nor there, in my mind. It's direct from the furnace and freshly hammered to a sharp point I had no control over it. Anyway. I hope your year is going better than mine.